Emotion of the Swan

Everything was fine until she showed up at the apartment. Every time, I can count on her appearance; it infuriated me. I knew it was a hint of jealousy or selfishness but when I was there to visit, I wanted no one else! It had been that way for two years and then she just shows up on the scene, they flock and love her just as much, as I know they would. It was too much for me, too much for my introverted mind. So I left. 

As I left, I began to mutter. I wasn’t really wanted anyways by anyone. Then swarms of pressure began to trickle into my emotions and I was fed up with life, with people in general, I needed to get away! The assignment that was due at the end of the week—for the difficult class that I had to take in place of a canceled one—loomed over me with fierceness and I crumbled. I wanted to complete it but it was just so difficult and I had no outline…I needed an outline to start on anything! What did the professor want!

I looked at my legs and fatigue and stress of the mind hit me hard and tears burst forth. I was so upset, so upset at how tight I was, how inflexible I still was after all the hard work!!!!! I had never wanted anything so bad throughout my life and I had never loved anything throughout my life more passionately than dance! I would never be as good as the girls beside me in class it always seemed, they were always somehow better.

Swan Lake began to play it’s haunting chords in my mind and I felt the struggle in my chest. I hated myself, I hated my slender legs of muscle that still had fat to firm in areas, I hated my feet…they were taking so long to point, I hated my form and my technique. Why couldn’t I be like everyone else!! Why was I so tight even as a five year old?! Why did God make me this way?!

I bawled for no good reason but to feel sorry—the emotion of betrayed love and trapping restraints making themselves evident. The roar of the instruments screamed in my head as the peak of the song coursed through my being. Another question surged as I felt the passion and bliss; where was my love?!  I saw the yearning in the Prince’s eyes and Odette’s emotions coarse through her core out into her fluttering arms; I craved and envied. Thiago & Marianela, the one fairy tale story come true. The shower now hid my streams of sorrow as I consoled myself in the only place of privacy. I had never felt so trapped, betrayed, rejected, confused, longing. I was flying, but I felt the pierce of an arrow from below. And to believe this all came from one occurrence…

"…and then Maria, who was Sir Benjamin’s heiress, inherited Moonacre and ruled there with her husband Robin. He was the brave soul and she was the pure spirit of their family motto, and one in heart, merry and loving, they inherited the kingdom together."
The Little White Horse By: Elizabeth Goudge
Why cannot I be looked upon as normal? I learned there are at least six different body types/shapes which affect the way we look or lose weight. I lose weight first in my upper body and almost hardly gain any there, which leads my back to look like this…or have the shoulder blades that people call out “wings.” It’s so hard when it seems like everyone else is different and for the longest time I thought I was the only one who’s back looked like this until I finally met and saw some other girls. I always wonder if they too get the worried looks, stares, gaping, and the awkward topic and question of “are you eating okay?” I seriously believe obese people get less stares and trash talk. I let you know now, not every girl that is skinny is anorexic…please stop judging, it never helps pointing it out.

Why cannot I be looked upon as normal? I learned there are at least six different body types/shapes which affect the way we look or lose weight. I lose weight first in my upper body and almost hardly gain any there, which leads my back to look like this…or have the shoulder blades that people call out “wings.” It’s so hard when it seems like everyone else is different and for the longest time I thought I was the only one who’s back looked like this until I finally met and saw some other girls. I always wonder if they too get the worried looks, stares, gaping, and the awkward topic and question of “are you eating okay?” I seriously believe obese people get less stares and trash talk. I let you know now, not every girl that is skinny is anorexic…please stop judging, it never helps pointing it out.

"'Must she always go away?' whispered Maria anxiously. For she herself, she guessed, was the Moon Princess in this generation. And she did not want to go away.
‘She always has gone away,’ said Old Parson. ‘Not necessarily from the valley, but from the manor. Yet the old folks in the village vow and declare that one day there will come a Moon Princess who will have the courage to deliver the valley from the wickedness of the Men from the Dark Woods. But like the princesses in all the nicest fairy-tales, she will have to humble her pride to love not a prince but a poor man, a shepherd or ploughman or some country lad, and to effect the deliverance with his help, and that’s a thing which no Moon Princess has yet done, so proud are they one and all, so loath to accept assistance from one another.’ Old Parson sighed… ‘And so it goes on, and the wickedness of the Men from the Dark Woods is still with us.’"
The Little White Horse By: Elizabeth Goudge

Watching Saved By The Bell

  • Old Man: *walks into the lobby area and goes over to the microwave, ice achine & vending machine*
  • Old Man: Exuse me, are there any cups or drinking glasses?
  • Me: ........no, there's not.
  • Old Man: Do you go here?
  • Me: Yeees.
  • Old Man: My granddaughter comes here. Do you like it?
  • Me: Yeah...it's good. (NO! NO its not!)
  • Old Man: How long have you been here?
  • Me: 4 years, this is my Senior year.
  • Old Man: *lets out a whistle* When do you graduate?
  • Me: I graduate in May.
  • Old Man: And what are you going to do after that?
  • Me:
  • Me: Um...I'm not really sure at the moment.
  • Old Man: Oh...Thank you. *walks away*
  • Me: *what just happened*
  • ****I was taken off guard because of his first question; I know our University looks very rich, especially the dorm I live in...but it's not a hotel so why would there be cups? I was in very grungy weekend clothes with my hair up so I may have shocked him. And then of course I was expected to say that I was pursuing a Master's or PHD after I graduate or have a job already lined up -___- sigh.