Emotion of the Swan
Everything was fine until she showed up at the apartment. Every time, I can count on her appearance; it infuriated me. I knew it was a hint of jealousy or selfishness but when I was there to visit, I wanted no one else! It had been that way for two years and then she just shows up on the scene, they flock and love her just as much, as I know they would. It was too much for me, too much for my introverted mind. So I left.
As I left, I began to mutter. I wasn’t really wanted anyways by anyone. Then swarms of pressure began to trickle into my emotions and I was fed up with life, with people in general, I needed to get away! The assignment that was due at the end of the week—for the difficult class that I had to take in place of a canceled one—loomed over me with fierceness and I crumbled. I wanted to complete it but it was just so difficult and I had no outline…I needed an outline to start on anything! What did the professor want!
I looked at my legs and fatigue and stress of the mind hit me hard and tears burst forth. I was so upset, so upset at how tight I was, how inflexible I still was after all the hard work!!!!! I had never wanted anything so bad throughout my life and I had never loved anything throughout my life more passionately than dance! I would never be as good as the girls beside me in class it always seemed, they were always somehow better.
Swan Lake began to play it’s haunting chords in my mind and I felt the struggle in my chest. I hated myself, I hated my slender legs of muscle that still had fat to firm in areas, I hated my feet…they were taking so long to point, I hated my form and my technique. Why couldn’t I be like everyone else!! Why was I so tight even as a five year old?! Why did God make me this way?!
I bawled for no good reason but to feel sorry—the emotion of betrayed love and trapping restraints making themselves evident. The roar of the instruments screamed in my head as the peak of the song coursed through my being. Another question surged as I felt the passion and bliss; where was my love?! I saw the yearning in the Prince’s eyes and Odette’s emotions coarse through her core out into her fluttering arms; I craved and envied. Thiago & Marianela, the one fairy tale story come true. The shower now hid my streams of sorrow as I consoled myself in the only place of privacy. I had never felt so trapped, betrayed, rejected, confused, longing. I was flying, but I felt the pierce of an arrow from below. And to believe this all came from one occurrence…